Double Soul

Not only do I no longer know who I am, but I don’t know what I want. I didn’t know who I was anymore; it happened, I don’t care. I could have been so many people! To think about it makes me dizzy. Turn, waltz, to the sound of the Viennese waltzes… Come what may and may who want.

... who want me to make a necklace with both my arms
and to take her out under the stars to say good night to you
good night sweet moon with thanks.
(source)

Confused

“Order is the virtue of mediocrity,” an Italian saying that has often consoled me with my inner disorder. Awful. The spectacle is permanent. For a bit, I’ll charge the entrance fee. I’m just kidding, we’re not visiting. Not right now. It’s too much of a mess.

Before, I had a soul, a divine part of my total being. It wasn’t always there; I didn’t always understand what it wanted from me. Now she has incarnated. I had a soul, I am a soul. I am lost. When my soul was incarnated, it disappeared. It dissolves forever.

My soul dissolved into me to become my double. That’s when I lost sight of myself.

Doubled

On arcane 16, you can clearly see the self spat out by the sun. It falls on its hands at the foot of the Body Tower. In front of her. Half hidden by the Tower of Life, this half-character looks so much like me!

During the Maison Dieu, it remains in the background, barely visible. Over the following mysteries, it grows. Becomes more assertive as I lose confidence. Then he becomes the leader. He commands. He acts.

There’s no need to obey him, since he controls everything.

Piloted

I should be happy, my suffering has ended. There is someone certain at the cockpit. He knows. I have been lost since birth.

Amazed at everything, I understand everything wrong. I don’t understand anything. I wander groping around in an absurd, selfish, petty non-world. A good guide is welcome. Even more so.

Amon Ra will keep down until you leave

Hacked

Well, no, I’m sulking. You’re never happy. This self-effacement is hard to swallow. It’s tough. As long as he was there, right under my skin, he made me do a lot of shit, that’s right. But it was me. Now I don’t do anything stupid, since I don’t do anything anymore. He’s the one flying.

Not everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. The ego is a sharp wound. We want to get rid of it, but when it happens in real life, we feel like idiots. We don’t even feel at all anymore. The duplicate is eating me up. It’s HE who knows, HE who does, HE who is. Yet I am still alive. But if HE ever lets me go –this happens- I panic completely. I can no longer do without HIM, my double who doubled me easily and who doubles me at every moment.

Erased

What remains after the erasure? What is there left to live without this body that belongs to HIM? Everything is his, nothing is mine. No doubt it’s wanted. When you’re almost gone, when you’re less than naked, you no longer cling on. The final disappearance is already there, not me.