Public Confession

 

In no way do I want to think of myself as something I am not. I know this place, I’ve been there before. I’ve lived in this space many times. I lived on these hills, near the Great Water. I still stay among things. And I lay there. If I go down, it is to aspire all the humility that I lack in the race towards the Immense Being.

The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of a spectator and calls it self-confidence. The warrior seeks to be impeccable in his own eyes and calls it humility. (Carlos Castaneda)

 

Thirsting for infinity I am, prophet I am not. Intensely alive I am, immortal I am not. Little human I am, animal I am not. Welcoming I am, obsequious I am not. Grateful I am, worshipper I am not. Twice born I am, important I am not. Discoverer I am, revelator I am not.

Brazen I am, insolent I am not. Liar I am, hypocrite I am not. Delighted I am, delightful I hope not. Loved I am, worshipped I am not. Support I am, guru I am not. Sanctified I am, sanctifying I am not. Xavier I am, saviour I am not. Insignificant I am, significant I am not. Belly full I am, pitiful I am not.

Dying is nothing. It’s getting old that kills. (Lao Surlam)

The world without me will continue,
I want to do the same without the world.
I am still in the world,
but I’m not around anymore.

“If you don’t die while you are alive, you will die while dying” (Motto of the Teutonic Knights)

 

Moron I am, silly I am not. Humble I try, modest I am not. In love I am, sun of the heart I want to be. Useful I am, useless I cannot. Worm I am, worn I hope not. Light I am, superficial I am not. Enthusiastic I am, exasperating also sometimes.

Meticulous I am, patient I am not. Strange I am, cuckoo I am not. Crazy I am, and even silly often. Energizing I am, overwhelming I am not. Overflowing I am, invading I could be. Post I am, lost I am not. Cuckold I’ve been, defeated too; I survived.

Singer I am, disenchanter I can not. Joker I am, demolisher I am not. Positive I am, positivist I am not. Ethics I am, informatics I am not. Compassionate I am, passionate I can be. Eraser I am, erased I am not.

Lit I am, igniter I am not. Seducer I am, flirter I am not. Pretty heart I am, talker I am not. Dreamer I am, hallucinated I am not. Carefree I am, irresponsible I am not. Anxious I am, vicious I am not. Believing I am, unbeliever I am too.

To doubt everything or to believe all, are two equally convenient solutions, that both prevent from thinking. (Henri Poincaré)

 

Shit I am, fucking shit I am not. Fearful I happen, paralyzed I am not. Brave I am, reckless I am not. Irrational I am, inconsequential I am not. Twisted I am, twisted I am not. Lizard I am, snake I am not. Confused I am, ashamed I could be.

Simple I am, simplistic I am not. Natural I am, denatured I am not. Healing I am, healer I am not. Healthy I am, holy I am not. Devil I am, demon I am not. Moved I am, tearful it happens to me too.

Kick ass I am, bad ass I could be. Composed I am, decomposed I am not. Cuddle I am, muddle I am not. Lucid I am, acid I am not. Addictive I am, addict I am not. Modest girl I am, public girl I am not. Shameless I am, exhibit I am not.

Exiled I am, annihilated I am not. Crazy I am, retarded I am not. Passing I am, overtaking I am not. Warm I am, hot I am no longer. High I am, deep I am not. Cheeky I am, relaxed I am not.  Amazed I am, faded I am not.

Debited I am, disappointed I am not. Empowered I am, debility I am not. Relaxed I am, expected I am not. Unexpected I am, misunderstanding I am not. Thirsty I am, thirsty I am not. Amateur I am, mate I am not. Received I am, Jesus I am not. Old I am, senile I am not. Dressed I am, old I am not. Thug I could, voyeur I could not. Awake I am, awake I am too. Liberated I am, obeyed I am not. Interior I am, superior I am not. Laughing I am, mocking I am not. Decoder I am, encoder I am not. Spirit I am, Holy Spirit I am not.

O Holy Spirit, give us your light, give us your light to enlighten us all. (Catholic Canticle)

 

 

By no means, thank you.

No way really.

Please don’t insist.